In terms of the actual quality of the response, it was what I expected: love and support from many people and hatred and cruelty and vitriol from so many others. The reaction to my transition? I didn’t expect it to be so big. What else have I just read that’s so good . . . oh: Somebody’s Daughter, by Ashley C. I’d be on the field about to kick the ball when a ref would say, “I don’t think boys are allowed to play on this team.” I still played soccer for years, but a lot of love for it was not there. I looked like the other boys, which I was. They did let me play one more year, then I had to go to the girls’ team. I was crying to my mum, “Please, one more year, one more year!” When I was playing with the boys-soccer, touch football, out back during recess and lunch-I was having a blast. I was so distraught, so inordinately distraught. I remember the year the genders were separated. I loved even the more spiritual elements of it-what it means to find and create empty space.Īs a kid, it was complicated in relation to my gender. I was a pretty serious soccer player as a kid. Mark’s initials are tattooed under my right collarbone. There’s nothing better than creating things with friends. That’s what we were doing-writing these little songs. Mark quarantined and came to Toronto to take care of me after my top surgery, and we recorded an EP on his four-track while I recovered. Not being afraid to share your emotions, your pain, to not compromise who you are. His name is Mark, and what I’ve learned from him-and what’s so astounding about him-is his strength and sensitivity. My childhood best friend and I are still very, very close.
I didn’t go to college, or university, so I’m adamant and disciplined to read a lot. I read novels more when I was younger, in high school. He’s such a phenomenal writer, it just floors you. I so rarely read novels, but I did just-not just, but a few books ago-I read Real Life, by Brandon Taylor. T-shirt and trousers, Celine by Hedi Slimane ring by Sterling Assault. There was some kind of urge to be in places like that. I always wanted my mum to take me to the school plays, even if I didn’t know what they were about. I’m sure I could bring up a moment and one of them wouldn’t remember it, because it didn’t mean anything to them. Those kids left a whole bunch of shit that I had to dig through and unlearn. Nobody even needs to open their mouth and you’re already feeling it. If you’re getting teased and made fun of and called names on a daily basis, there’s no way that’s not going to get inside of you-particularly when you’re already feeling so much shame. Bullying puts you in a place where, later, you have so much unlearning to do. When I left Halifax to go to Toronto in grade eleven, I thought the bullying would lessen, in regard to what people were clearly bullying me about. I went to a different school every year during high school, so I never really had that single teacher mentor. I don’t think I ever actually saw The Bodyguard. My dad was more jazz-Shirley Horn, Ruth Brown. My mum’s music was a lot of Cat Stevens and Sting. And Annie Lennox, Medusa.I think that had a lot to do with the cover. When I was a little kid, all I wanted my parents to play was the Bodyguard soundtrack. I spent a lot of my childhood in the woods. When I’m in those spaces, my whole body will relax. I’ve noticed as an adult how nourishing and crucial it is for me to feel connected to nature. I would watch them hop along for hours, probably because of how tiny they were. My dad had a cabin on the south shore of Nova Scotia with no running water or electricity. Shirt and trousers by Giorgio Armani stud set by Lindsay & Co, available at Bergdorf Goodman, NYC. When I say I couldn’t have ever imagined feeling that way, I mean that with every sense of me. To go out in a group of new people and be able to engage in a way where I didn’t feel this constant sensation to flee from my body, this never-ending sensation of anxiety and nervousness and wanting out. So the greatest joy is just being able to feel present, literally, just to be present. It’s indescribable, because I’m just like, there I am.
I know I look different to others, but to me I’m just starting to look like myself. What have I learned from transitioning? I can’t overstate the biggest joy, which is really seeing yourself. Here, in his own words, he talks about his childhood, his career, his transition, and his life, though not necessarily in that order. That’s made him the target of indescribable hate but has also brought him unimaginable joy. In December 2020, after disclosing that he is transgender, the Oscar-nominated actor and star of Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy (Season Three out June 22) became the most famous trans man on the planet. T-shirt, Celine by Hedi Slimane ring by Sterling Assault.
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